Computer Chair Baseball: The Lead-Up to Opening Day
February 11th, 2010 - Tyler - permalink
The buzz and hype leading up to the first pitch of the opening season of Computer Chair Baseball has been rising to a clamor since the sport’s creation just a few days ago. It was once a long shot, barely spoken of even on ESPN the Ocho…but the unquestioned integrity of the game in an age of rampant steroid use, has some of the most finely tuned athletes of our time biting and clawing over each other to sign up…the corporate sponsorships followed, so did the television deals…seemingly overnight the sport David Stern referred to as a “side-show…and not the good kind…” is a serious force to be reckoned with in the world of sports entertainment.
Even this reporter couldn’t help but take note…which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that he is also the game’s inventor, and he is I and I am him, slim with the tilted brim, what’s my motherfuckin name?
Meet the Players
The Professor: A man who needs no introduction, lest your jaw needs introducin to his fist…as he is fond of saying, though he is a man of few words…mostly fuck. He’s been described as enigmatic, junkie, white trash, and the greatest control pitcher Computer Chair Baseball has ever seen. Though much about The Professor’s past remains a mystery wrapped in archives (right), one thing about his future seems set in stone: this kid was destined to be a champion.
PunkaliciousThe sassy flamethrower made her intention to turn pro public just two weeks ago when she acquired representation…which was interesting because the game wasn’t even invented yet, that’s how dedicated she is and there are already some very high expectations for her to live up to. There have been some control issues in pre-season camps but her agent said “It would be foolish to over-analyze the pre-season warm ups. She’s got the stuff, everyone knows she’s got the stuff, Jagermeister knows…she’s just anxious for the first shot, pitch…I said pitch.” The Jager ads hit magazines and billboards last Tuesday.
Special KThe farm girl from rural Galva was home-schooled until she was twelve, when she went to work the fields with her other nine siblings. As she developed it became clear the girl had a gift for heaving heavy rocks at large metal signs…Papa took it as a sign from the Lord and spent the family’s savings on training equipment Special K (her street name) received one very special Christmas in sports history (pictured left). For the last three years she’s been training in an isolated village rumored to be somewhere outside Bogota…
Slick RickAfter being banned from the world of MMA for gouging his opponent’s eye excessively, Slick said he wanted to make the move to Computer Chair Baseball because “it’s a pure game. Not so much red tape.” In the headlines, he’s a playboy; in his private jet, he’s a pilot; but on the field of play, whether it be the octagon or computer chair, he’s “an athletic machine, a total competitor and a one man franchise,” said tennis legend Jimmy Connors.
The Wild CardThere is no name in professional sports that has been attached to more speculation than The Wild Card. The reigning three time MVP of CCB-Europe, with his on-field antics, and off-field federal crimes, Wild Card has become the most charismatic man in sports since Terrell Owens, luckily there are no teammates in CCB. “They brought in a ref, once, but I slapped that bitch,” said The Wild Card at a recent “scared straight” speech he gave to inner-city Jr High students per his probation agreement.
The History and Rules of Computer Chair Baseball
One lazy Sunday afternoon, which was probably not a Sunday at all, the Professor was sitting in the chair at the computer desk, tirelessly working his equations, when he happened to pick up a tennis ball. He noticed an alley framed by the cabinets and island counter, leading to the cabinet beneath the sink, which his eye for advanced physics told him was at the perfect angle to send the ball around the island and out the kitchen door.
With no real intention but an interesting spot to aim his throw, The Professor tried his luck chucking Mr Wilson down what would become known as the strike zone.
Naturally, the throw was perfect. It bounced off the cabinet, rolled out the door and then the Professor heard the sound that would forever change the world of sports…a tennis ball bouncing down the stairs toward the basement…in that moment, as the first home run thudded toward its destination, Computer Chair Baseball was born.
Computer Chair Baseball is played between two players throwing nine innings, three outs in each inning, a coin flip determines who is home. Only one player is “active” at a time, the other just waits his or her damn turn. The player at bat is actually the pitcher, he has three attempts to send the ball through the strike zone and out the door.
In preliminary tests of CCB on American audiences the game was played by the standard European rules (though the game differs greatly in many respects), which dictate every throw is a home run or an out.
It was not until very late in the game the Professor received an important message by carrier pigeon all the way from Bogota, Columbia. It was marked urgent, but the pigeon was Colombian and spoke very little English, so he really took his time.
The Professor stroked his chin as he read but then felt pretentious so he stopped. He did like the contents. The message was from Special K…she’d been supplementing her training with advanced studies, game theory, competitive dynamics, art of war…and while in a hallucinogenic, meditative state, closely supervised by a witch doctor of the highest order, she was given a vision to put men on base.
“When the ball goes through the door, but doesn’t go downstairs,” she uttered between violent seizures, “it’s a double…”
And it was so.
It’s an exciting game, constantly evolving, which seems perfect for these turbulent times. The season is upon us, the players are ready, Computer Chair Baseball fever is spreading…and the fans are hungry for flesh…