May 2012
74 posts
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I like my literature, the way I like my cigarettes:
With a warning label.
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I told her I loved her.
She said “…balls.”
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The Amateur Situation
If the world continues to progress the way it seems to be at this moment…
By the year 2035, there will be porn, or nude cell phone pics of at least 30% of the adult population of the United States, somewhere on the internet, or stored digitally.
The evidence is everywhere… though I pulled the 30% number completely out of my ass. As well as the year.
Alcohol, sex and camera phones...
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You can be articulate, spot on and funny all night, but all you go home remembering is how you accidentally said “bigamy,” when you meant “polygamy.” Fuuuuuuuuuck.
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I just received an e-mail from someone I correspond with, who wanted some tips on being a cab driver. This is what I came up with in the last hour…
Alex, Great to hear from you again. Hope all is well, but I guess it can’t be that well if you’re thinking of becoming a cab driver haha, jk. Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend it though, it’s not for everyone. It’s a...
Let my blood on the sidewalk be the final irony?
As much as I’d enjoy it I hate turning honest men into hypocrites
The angry mob will go to bed
hungry
and wake up to
the real
enemy
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The lights dim.
There’s the feedback from the speakers, and the anticipation from the crowd. They’re young, and packed into the tiny club.
Stage lights go on and the fans stir.
The band is an invading force peering out at natives they intend to slaughter.
And you can feel it… the spectators are a little afraid for their lives.
The singer steps up to the mic.
“Ladies...
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Just read a Peoria Journal Star headline:
Vandals Strike Pekin Cemetery, ahead of Memorial Day.
Which sounds like you’re accusing the vandals of planning this caper to sabotage Memorial Day celebrations at Pekin Cemetery. I’ve never known vandals to be especially calculating. There’s also very little to suggest they have strong feelings about Memorial Day.
I’d let it...
Have a drink and throw darts, take a walk, waste money on a cab and go to Denny’s, play video games, Sherlock marathon, Californication marathon, Community marathon, or do something constructive?
My friend Soap is currently trying to convince me to create a character and infiltrate a website for Goth personals. It is very, very tempting.
Mostly, we agreed, to destroy Arkanis. He happened to have the most popular profile on the day we were browsing and making fun of things.
I think Arkanis is my most evil, powerful, and deformed doppelganger. He slipped through from another...
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Cody Ross (outfielder, Red Sox) has 22 Runs, 7 HRs and 27 RBIs already this year and he isn’t owned in half of all Yahoo Fantasy Baseball leagues. He looks to be on a tear right now, might want to pick him up for some quick Runs and RBIs.
Also, not nearly as overlooked, but how about the start Freddie Freeman is having in Atlanta?
Find the menu you’re craving.
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Awhile back, a drunk guy stole a cab parked in front of a bar. It was a karaoke bar on Main Street called Basket Case, unless I’m mistaken. It was in the news, you probably read about it.
I was not the cab driver that happened to. But I could have been.
I heard something similar happened to a driver from another company up at the Recovery Room. Cab drivers frequently have to step out...
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YOU WILL GET WORDS WHEN I WANT TO GIVE THEM TO YOU →
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Some nights you just want to stay in Enjoy the freedom in confinement
Then you hear the sound of a woman’s laugh outside your window the joy in it makes you imagine her beautiful
and your blood boils and you taste memories of alcohol, sweat, and women
those brief moments when someone else realizes you’re not a loser and loves you for proving them right
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Watch
I’ll have a good story for you later.
Everyone loves you on Saturday night and wants nothing to do with you on Sunday. I should befriend a stripper.
You know that part in True Romance where James Gandolfini is beating the shit out of Patricia Arquette, trying to find the suitcase full of cocaine…
and… http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=qqfDcrg3if0#t=290s
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The best writing addresses you, the reader, as the author’s evil ex.
I met so many cool people tonight, it was great.
One guy told me a story about a salesman he met while he was on a business trip in Las Vegas. I have to share it with you because I don’t think he’d mind, he’s not a writer or a stand-up comedian, and I have no reason to believe he’s working on his memoirs with this anecdote as the centerpiece…
Anyway this salesman,...
;)
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I should be outraged, but it’s like the blubbering mother/daughter, about to go away to college, cell phone commercial only gives the Rage Against the Machine video youtube has it preceding, Sleep Now In the Fire, more meaning…
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WatchShould Ron Brown be fired?
I have no idea, only the University of Nebraska can make that decision, but I hope any decision they make won’t be entirely based on his comments at a city council meeting.
Ron Brown’s an idiot, that’s what I believe, based on his comments. However, I still believe very strongly in his right to be an idiot as a private citizen.
Too often, as media...
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My only regret in life is that I have Mark Teixeira on the fucking no cut list while a Cub first baseman is AVAILABLE and absolutely crushing the ball!! God damn it.
Robinson Cano, and Jose Bautista are right next to Teixera in the line-up and I can’t cut any of them… and there’s no bench in this league. I could replace the three of them with Cubs right now and probably be in...
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When Rivera went down I picked up Ted Lily just before he pitched himself to his 4th straight victory, (the way the scoring is done in my league, I don’t need a closer really). I don’t understand how there are fantasy leagues where Lily’s still on the free agents list. He’s given up like 5 runs in his last 4 or 5 starts, total.
If you have an open (or should be open)...
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The Beginning and the End
Early in the night I was sent a trip on the East Bluff.
I was in a good mood, so I was cheerful on the phone. It was a woman, she said she’d be right out. Five minutes went by, she came halfway out the door and then went back in after something.
Two minutes later, she was in the backseat. She was thick, older than me, and her eyes were red. Her voice was friendly, but unsure. The...
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WatchThis is how our most liberal news network reports on the election of a liberal foreign head of state:
The incumbent lost the election more than Hollande won it, and now crazy socialist France has to live with their crazy, socialist President. Let’s just hope it doesn’t kill our economy, too!
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